One of These Things is Not Like the Other....

What a long hard process its been, the past few months, first getting the IEP in place, then the Functional Behavioral Assessment completed and finally, making the hard decision that the regular school setting is NOT the best place for my son. At least not right now. Now that I think about it, its been a long hard month for lots of reasons.

First of all, my Dr. decided that I had mild bi-polar symptoms and added Abilify to my drug repitoire. Worked wonders. Love it. Highly recommend it. My moods were NUTS after the Effexor. Now they are great. I can cry, be happy, be sad, angry, etc, but all within normal limits. As a matter of fact, I have been on the verge of tears for two days now dealing wwith the ups and downs of this whole special ed. process with my baby boy.

After the IEP was in place, Day Treatment was inacted, Functional Behavioral Assessment was complete, we still were not seeing tremendous improvements in H's behavior and academic performance in school. Things were spiraling out of control. Desks and chairs were being thrown, others were being placed in harms way. He wasn't learning, grades were sinking. At the advice of H's doctor, we went to visit Rivermont School. We knew right away that was the place he would get the help he needed to be successful in school. After another IEP meeting, it was decided that he would go there immediately.

We had enrollment there this morning. He loved it. He made several friends in his class right off the bat. I got all the necessary paperwork done. I'm the one having the issue with it. I'm the one who decided he would be there. I think its more because, as a Mother, you want your child to be like all the others. You don't want them to be different in that way. You want them to fit in. To be "normal" for whatever that means. I have to accept that H is not like all the others. In some ways he is. In others, not so much. Is this a bad thing? NO, I guess its not if I stop and think about it. His "difference" could actually become one of his biggest assets one day.

I'm coming to terms with it. Its just gonna take some time. As for H? He's gonna be just fine.

Gonna Pitch my Tent at PPC.

I have spent the better part of the last year in and out of Dr's offices. Let me get specific... Psychologist/Psychiatrist offices. For me. For my son.

I have been diagnosed with Chronic Clinical Depression. I have been on and off of anti-depressants since I was 19. The most recent drug of choice (for about the past two years) is Prozac. I had been seeing the same Dr. since I was 19 and first diagnosed with Panic Disorder/Depression. I have complete and total respect for him. He got me thru the panic disorder and taught me some very valuable techniques for calming myself and working thru them. Recently, I have begun seeing another Dr. which is where I was diagnosed with the Chronic/Clinical Depression. Depression that lingers and just doesn't go away. Not necessiarly the kind that keeps you in the bed, but a general feeling of ickiness all the time. We are working thru it using the CBASP techinique. I'm doing ok.

Its my son I worry about non-stop. He has been treated for ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder since the beginning of 1st grade. He is going into 4th in the fall. I have had earlier posts about this. I have been away from my blog for a while☺. I've been a little consumed with other things. He has been on numerous medicines since we started all of this. The latest ADHD drug of choice for him is Focalin XR. Its been going pretty well. I did decide to take him off of it for the summer, just to give his body a break, and to see how he did without it.

Attention wise, well, its summer. No need for a super long attention span. The impulsivity thoughand lack of control is another thing. We have recently been seeing violent outbursts from time to time. His Dr. thinks something else is at play. A possible mood disorder perhaps. They have just put him on a low low dose (0.5 mg) of Risperadone to help level his moods out. Its horrible to have your younger child afraid of the outbursts that she is usually the victim of. I am just trying to curb the Mom guilt that is at play all the time for having my child on such a strong drug with horrible "possible" side effects. As a Mother of a almost 10 year old and an 8 year old, I have learned that Mom Guilt is always present. I'm trying to deal.

He has been on the new med. for one week now. No dramatic improvements, but it's still too soon to tell.

As for me, I think i will just pitch a tent in the Shrinks office where we both go. I am there at minimum 1 time a week, in most cases, twice a week. I told them they needed a frequent flyer card!

I hope in time, we will both get what we need out of these many visits. I am learning quite a bit about myself, though its not always pleasant and sometimes I leave there feeling worse than I started. It's all part of the process. I don't want to live under the shadow of this depression one second longer than I have too. I hope that we also find what it is that will truly help my son realize his full potential both in and out of school.

For anyone out there that may read this, feel free to contact me to chat. That is one thing I have not been able to find... a support group for Oppositional Defiant Disorder and this Mood Disorder thing.

Breathe Deep and Count to 10...

I had to do that several times today. I visited my son and daughter's school for field day. I knew that Harrison would be missing a portion of the activities for his behavior in the past few weeks. I sought out my daughters class and had a great time with her class. Then I went to look for Harrison's class. I found them, minus Harrison. I spoke with the teacher to find out that he was in the office doing PILES of work that he had been refusing to do. I also learned that when he was asked to take his work out of his desk and get busy so he could eventually join the class for field day, he refused and put his head down. She told me that she turned up his desk and dumped it in the floor. He later told me he was embarrassed by this and all his friends laughed. This is a young teacher. For the most part, I have not had any issues with her. I like her and she has been really good at keeping me posted. That is why the next part of this was so hard for me to handle.

I hang out with Maia a bit more then decide to head inside to see Harrison and how much progress he was making on his work. ( I'll interject here to say that he had already earned some of field day so I was not too cool with the fact that all of that had been undone and his reward of earning some taken away.) When I got to the auditorium where he was at, there he was laying in the floor with PILES and PILES of work. OK, now when I was told that he was doing work he had refused to do, I was thinking a weeks worth at best. What I found was at least a months worth. This was work he should have been doing independently. My concern was that WHY was I not told before now? Didn't she realize that he was not turning in his work? How did it get so out of hand? I just don't understand how this happened. I could have been working with him at home to make it up. He should have been missing rewards/recess/fun things all along, not the last three days of school. I was so angry and upset. I felt awful for Harrison sitting there alone while his entire class and the entire school for that matter was out having fun. I am NOT dismissing what he did. But she is the teacher and I should have been told before it got out of hand. He is a 7 year old boy with a disability. Who's in charge here?

They tell me he doesn't qualify for the 504/IEP, whatever, because his learning is not being impacted by his disability. Uhhh, i think I would have to disagree after today. He told me when he got home from school that he had been stuffing papers in his desk since day 1 in first grade. I have called the school and demanded a child study be conducted ASAP and If I have too, I will be that parent that teachers loathe. I am my sons only advocate. I have to see that he gets what he needs, that he doesn't fall through the cracks. For Goodness sake, I pay my taxes! I know my rights. Something WILL be done about this.

On another note, Maia had a GREAT field day. Here are some photos from the day!

Maia throwing a pass!!

The girls! Katera, Maia, Bria, Grace, Maggie, Chloe, and Megan.

My girl doing the limbo. Her all time favorite game!

She won!! She is so good at this game, even on skates!

Maia and teacher extraordinaire, Mrs. Webb. I only wish Harrison could have had her. She use to teach 2nd grade. This was her first year in Kindergarten.

This is how Harrison spent most of the day. The photo doesn't do this pile of work justice.

Dangers of Motherhood

Boy, there are times when being a Mom really does a number on your self-esteem and self worth. Maybe it is just me and my need to be in control of every situation and my tendency to react very quickly at situations that arise. Maybe it is because I myself am under the guidance and care of a psychologist. That says it all really. Am I mentally stable? Well, sure I am, but i have a tendency to take a situation and blow it up into more than it probably really is. Things also tend to depress me very quickly.

My past few blogs have been about my son and the issues we have faced this school year. It has been quite a ride for all of us. Teachers, Principals, Maia, Chris, myself and anyone else involved with my family. This blog will not be any different. Sorry. If you don't like it, stop reading now. This blog has become quite a good form of therapy for me.

Thursday, yesterday, I got a call at about 1:30 from the Principal at the school my kids go to. She had Harrison in her office. Seems that a few boys at lunch thought it would be a good idea to pretend to choke themselves and Harrison thought it to be an even better idea to pretend to choke another classmate. With the zero tolerance they have in school these days, you can just imagine why this was a BAD CHOICE for Harrison to make. He was sent to the principal who asked him why he did this and if he knew what happened when you choked someone. His answers were "because I wanted too" and "they turn blue and suffocate" respectively. I was instructed to come pick him up from school immediately for an overnight suspension. This was no easy feat for me to do since my Mom had just gotten out of work and I had four sleeping toddlers in my house. After some work, my Mom was at the house and I was on my way to the school. NOT HAPPY!

The therapist we see for Harrison told me to INSIST on a 504 plan for him for next year or to instruct the school to QUIT calling me about his behavior. I have tried and begged and pleaded to get this for him and have had wall after wall put up. I am doing everything in my power to help my son get thru this but I am not getting a lot of help from the school system. I know it is the end of school but I am tired of having to handle the issue from afar when they need to find a better way to handle it. He WANTS to come home. He tells me that is why he can't behave... because he misses me. SO DON'T send him home. That is NOT punishment. I am not really blaming the teachers or staff. As a whole, I adore his school and all the staff I have had dealings with. I am not blaming anyone. It is just very frustrating when you try to help your child be successful and keep running into walls.

I spent most of last night feeling really crappy about all of this. Where had I gone wrong? Why can I not seem to handle this? I ate LOTS of chocolate. It is hard as a Mom to deal with all of this. I KNOW that Harrison is NOT the child that chokes people on purpose. I know it was not malicious when it was done. How do you help a child like this? I have so many questions and not many answers. I hope today is better for Harrison. I am waiting on my call back from the principal while he is at school today. To discuss the 504 and other modifications that can be made for next year. Stay tuned.

God Give Me the Strength...

... to make it thru the last 9 days of school. I know, a lot of parents dread the end of school because it means no more free time if you don't work and if you do, then you have to find someone to take care of your kids. Well, I am on the other side of this fence.

This has been a rocky year for Harrison. He started out his 1st grade year below grade level on his tests (PALS) and after few months he was diagnosed ADHD (With Oppositional Defiant Disorder). We have known about the ODD for a while, though it was never really treated until now. It was kind of an unofficial diagnosis a few years ago by a therapist I wasn't wild about. After starting Harrison on Vyvanse we saw such dramatic improvements I was foolish enough to believe our problems were solved. Such a newbie I was to ADHD then. Oh, they were only just beginning.

Previous posts outline some of this so I won't rehash all that, but after bouncing around on a variety of med's, we finally sought counsel from Dr. K Rooney and now have Harrison on Strattera. It has been about 3 months on this one, with no side effects that we can see. However, I am not sure that it is working all that well. When we started this medicine, it was almost as if the ODD symptoms were exaggerated. I started getting emails and phone calls from Harrison's first grade teacher, the principal, a referral from the bus driver, then another from his teacher. Oh the list goes on. Basically, he is being disruptive, uncooperative, mean on occasion (tripping kids and laughing, pushing kids, throwing mulch on the playground), and just generally a pain in the ass if I can say that about my own child. I literally get anxiety attacks when i see the school phone number pop up on my caller ID or I see an email from his teacher in my in box.

Yes, I am his mother, and I love him no matter what. He is my firstborn and my baby boy. Nothing will change that. I hate to see him struggle so much. It kills me a little at a time. I know that he is a very sweet and loving child. He just has to learn to deal with all this that is going on inside of him. We are seeking the advice from yet another therapist and I feel confident that he will be able to help us where the other one couldn't. That is why I am glad school is almost out. I will be able to breathe much easier knowing that that phone call won't be coming or the emails. It will also give us several months to work with the therapist we see every other week, to hopefully address these issues and make some progress before Harrison enters the second grade.

ADHD is so often misunderstood. I was guilty of it once. Over diagnosed, over medicated, etc. the list goes on. BUT, now that I am faced with it head on, it is very hard to deal with and yes, very misunderstood. These kids are not just trying to be hard to deal with, they literally cannot control themselves. They don't have the ability to learn from their past mistakes, which explains why charts don't work, and normal behavioral techniques don't work either. This explains why Harrison went to the Principals office, was talked to by her and sent on his way, then ended up there again not even 10 minutes later for the same thing. We are learning to deal with this with the help of our therapist. To teach Harrison how to handle things in a different way.

So, yes, I am grateful summer is upon us and school is out. I know there will be some rough patches to deal with this summer, but I am hopeful that this summer will provide Harrison the turning point he needs to start 2nd grade off on a different foot.

New Med's for my 7 Year Old

Monday we had our monthly visit to Dr. Rooney at PPC. She wanted to know how the Strattera was working and to get a weight check on Harrison. He had gained some of his lost weight back, which is good. Overall the report was good. The Strattera seems to be working well enough for us to continue on it at a higher dose. She will gradually increase his dose until the max dose is reached for his size.

Still, the main concern for us is sleep. He seems to have developed this fear or anxiety over going to bed in his bed at night. The child who use to beg or bedtime at 7:30 is now up late most nights. Not only is his sleep being affected but his sister is also suffering. He refuses to stay out of her room and insists on sleeping with her even though we have tried everything we can think of to keep him out of her room. Sensory Hallucinations were mentioned to me following my original post on the subject two blogs ago. Perhaps. Scary stuff. Dr. Rooney prescribed Clonidine to help us with that one. She hopes that if we can break the habit and get him past his anxiety of sleeping in his own bed we can then discontinue use of the Clonidine. Last night, after giving him the Clonidine he did go fast asleep in his bed, but at some point, he still managed to end up in her room. Frustration!!!

I also had a visit yesterday with my therapist. A full day of shrinks! Fun times. He told me that Harrison is physically and mentally incapable of controlling himself until the meds are straight. His biochemistry is so whacked right now that it is not possible. His hope was that if we get the meds straight, the behavior will be easier to control and will all but correct itself in the most part. Until then, I have been advised to keep on keeping on and to try to remain calm and to psychologically distance myself from Harrison as to provide a relapse for me into depression. How do you do this? He told me you don't want H. to know or feel this distance. Any one have a clue about this?

Anyway. This morning was OK. I am hoping H. has a good day at school. Any mom's or dad's out there dealing with this, please contact me! There is little by way of support groups for parents dealing with this and as I am finding out, it is not an easy thing to live with. So little is said about it. No one wants to talk. I guess it is the stigma attached to it. The thought that they should be able to control themselves and that its bad parenting, lazy parenting, just an excuse for bad behavior, blah blah blah. WRONG. Let's talk people!

A Good Day

Today was a good day for us. In particular my son. My sweet boy, my firstborn. I don't know if it is a coincidence, or if it is that magical two week mark I have been waiting for for the Strattera to start working at its max potential. Whatever it was, I'll take it, if only for a day. I am hoping it is the beginning of better days for Harrison and yes, Me, as well as the rest of the family.

We started off at Soccer. The first game. He was a model child and played a great game, even scoring a goal. Then he spent the day with his Grammie Toler, until he was returned to me for a birthday party. That is a long day for a child and he managed it so incredibly well! I am so proud of him. After the party, we headed to my moms house to spend some time with her and my Dog-in-law to be Jose. He's a chihuahua and the cutest you will ever see! Harrison and Maia ran around the yard with the dog and got plenty of play time in. Dinner was eaten, and then we headed downtown to the Riverfront Skatepark where Chris works part-time. We hung out there for a bit before heading home around 8:20 to get baths and ready for bed. Bedtime was NO Drama at all. Went to sleep without any excessive chatter between my two angels.

Still trying to conquer the sleep issues he has developed. He is refusing to sleep in his bed. He wants to sleep in my bed or with his sister in the twin bed in her room. They both have twin beds. I don't know how they sleep that way. I can't get out of him why he is afraid of his room so much. He rarely sets foot in there these days. I have my concerns and questions about it and will address them on Monday when we revisit the psychiatrist for a med check.

So, today, I got a glimpse of my son. The boy I know he is under all the funky stuff going on inside of him. I hope that he will stay with us for a while.

Life's Trials

My hubby didn't really want me to post about our trials with ADHD, but I feel I must. My 7 year old son, Harrison, was diagnosed in early December. It has been a rough road. Since then, we have tried 4 different medicines and are still looking for the right one. I know, some people out there don't believe in medicating children for this and think it is over diagnosed. I used to be one of those people. BUT, when you watch your child struggle it is hard to not do all you can to help them. This question was asked of me... "would you deny a hearing impaired child a hearing aid? A crippled child a wheelchair?" The answer is no. That question ended my fear of medicating my son.

We started on Vyvanse 30mg and immediately got tremendous results. He went from below 1st grade level in school to right on track in a matter of weeks. He had struggled with reading, and he is now reading chapter books, in a mere months. The improvements were almost too good to be true. I remember crying tears of joy when I spoke with the teacher that first day, hearing how well he had done and how proud he was of himself. She said it was as if a light had been turned on for him. The good news didn't last for long.

He began having MAJOR sleep issues and lost a huge amount of weight the first month. Both side effects of the medicine. The sleep issue was my main concern, because after a month of so so sleep we had an entire different set of problems to deal with, all due to lack of sleep. I know how I get when I miss a few hours, so I could only imagine how he must be feeling after a month of struggles. So, we decided to switch medications, to Adderall XR. Whoa! What a mistake that proved to be. After two weeks, I didn't recognize my son. He was mean, aggressive and very hostile. Hard to handle. Ugly faces, actions, words. Too much for me to deal with, AND, he still wasn't sleeping. We decided to try the Vyvanse at a lower dose, 20mg, the lowest they make. Since we had initially had great results with that, we figured it was worth a shot.

We stuck with that for another month or so but still did not see the results we were hoping to see. In the meantime, Mommy was having a breakdown. It is very very hard to watch your child struggle like I had been doing for the past few months. The medicine was now working against us. He had bigger issues now than when we started. We decided to seek counsel from a Psychiatrist.

After our meeting with Dr. Rooney, I felt confident that we would find a solution and the right medicine for Harrison. We tried the Daytrana patch at a 10mg dose. What a pain the the butt they ended up being. Hard to use and, again, we did not get the desired results. It was suggested to me that stimulant medications may not be the way to go for Harrison. That brings us up to date. We are now on Strattera 10mg. He is calm. He is close to being the little boy I know again. BUT, still some struggles in school.

It is hard being the parent of a child with ADHD. There are no support groups that I can find in the area and for the longest time I have felt so alone in this struggle. I have since found some friends who are also dealing with this and that has helped. That is why I have decided to go against the wishes of my husband and post this blog. I know there are tons of Moms out there dealing with this. If this reaches even one person that it can help or connect me too, then it was not in vain.

As for us, we are still struggling. It is a daily battle, but one we hope to win soon. I don't regret my decision to start the med's for Harrison, we just have to find the one that works best for him. In the meantime, I will keep on keeping on.