Sometimes "a hug" is all you Need.

I think the song actually goes "Love is all we need", but in my case, a hug was all I needed to pull me up out of the funk I have been in for a day or so. You know, so many times people want to fill up every moment with words. Words are OK sometimes, but in my opinion there is nothing that can be said by someone else that I don't already know myself. Don't talk to me when I am down, just wrap your arms around me and squeeze.

My own husband is so clueless in this area. It just doesn't seem to come easily to him. I find this odd because he comes from a very touchy freely family. I can be bawling my eyes out and he will sit there and not move an inch. When I see someone upset, or just down and out, it is in every inch of my being to reach out and just give them a hug. It could be a total stranger.

Tonight a friend did that for me. Monday night a friend did that for me as well. There is something about knowing that the other person "gets it". That there really are no words at times. That the person in need jut really needs to feel that security of someones arms around them, that physical contact. That "its OK, i get what your feeling and i am here for you" feeling.

So, remember, next time you see someone in need, keep your words and opinions to yourself and reach out and touch someone. Wrap them in your arms and squeeze. It really is all they probably want and need.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other....

What a long hard process its been, the past few months, first getting the IEP in place, then the Functional Behavioral Assessment completed and finally, making the hard decision that the regular school setting is NOT the best place for my son. At least not right now. Now that I think about it, its been a long hard month for lots of reasons.

First of all, my Dr. decided that I had mild bi-polar symptoms and added Abilify to my drug repitoire. Worked wonders. Love it. Highly recommend it. My moods were NUTS after the Effexor. Now they are great. I can cry, be happy, be sad, angry, etc, but all within normal limits. As a matter of fact, I have been on the verge of tears for two days now dealing wwith the ups and downs of this whole special ed. process with my baby boy.

After the IEP was in place, Day Treatment was inacted, Functional Behavioral Assessment was complete, we still were not seeing tremendous improvements in H's behavior and academic performance in school. Things were spiraling out of control. Desks and chairs were being thrown, others were being placed in harms way. He wasn't learning, grades were sinking. At the advice of H's doctor, we went to visit Rivermont School. We knew right away that was the place he would get the help he needed to be successful in school. After another IEP meeting, it was decided that he would go there immediately.

We had enrollment there this morning. He loved it. He made several friends in his class right off the bat. I got all the necessary paperwork done. I'm the one having the issue with it. I'm the one who decided he would be there. I think its more because, as a Mother, you want your child to be like all the others. You don't want them to be different in that way. You want them to fit in. To be "normal" for whatever that means. I have to accept that H is not like all the others. In some ways he is. In others, not so much. Is this a bad thing? NO, I guess its not if I stop and think about it. His "difference" could actually become one of his biggest assets one day.

I'm coming to terms with it. Its just gonna take some time. As for H? He's gonna be just fine.

Depression Sucks.

There, said it. After years of not really having any major symptoms of Depression, though being treated for it, it seems to have taken hold of me again and I am not happy about it at all.

It hits out of the blue. Or so it seems. I was sitting at work today and had the sneaking feeling that a panic attack was about to hit me. I managed to fight that off with some results but it left me feeling just icky. Can't put my finger on it. I just feel bad. No real reason. Harrison is doing great. Financially, we are better off than we have been in a long time. I just can't shake it.

Going to bed hoping tomorrow will be better. It is at least Friday, and payday.

I come to realize a few things about myself...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would quit taking my 40 mg Prozac, cold turkey. I wasn't really sure what prompted the decision to do this. I had missed a dose and I think I just decided that I would give it a whirl. Well, what a mistake that turned out to be.

I felt like total crap for starters. Headaches, tired, flu like symptoms. I was moody, cranky, irritable. You name it. After being off for almost 3 weeks, I decided to restart the med's. I just couldn't take it anymore. It took about a week for me to see any real improvements in my mood and other physical symptoms.

Today, while sitting in my regular Therapy appt it hit me. I told him that I was basically just sick of feeling NOTHING. I swear I could watch someone get run down by a car and not shed a tear. I also realized that I wanted to feel as bad physically as I did mentally. Goal accomplished. Why, I wanted to feel this way, I am not sure. I will have to delve deeper into that one as time passes.

I have come to realize that I just need to be on meds. At least for a while. They are my friend. It was suggested to me, however, to back down on them a bit. So, I will finish my 40's then go down to 20. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me (somewhat) sane, but not so drugged that I am numb.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

I Suddenly Understand Myself a Whole Lot Better...

... and here's why. My whole dang family is a nut case waiting to happen!! I love them all but good grief. Give me a break already. I have been told that I was basically a disappointment for going to college to get $50K in debt for a degree that I no longer use. That I sit home on my butt all day keeping kids and that I would never be forgiven for that. Nice. I have been told to go get a job that pays better, that is more secure, that is stable, that is outside the home, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Does that even exist??? Really. Show me a decent paying job that is secure in this day and age where a 6 year out of experience washed up graphic designer would be happy and I will PAY YOU to send them my resume. I don't like corporate America. I have ZERO desire to go there EVER AGAIN.

Is my job all fun and games? No. Is any job? No. Unless you are just plain crazy. I guess there are people who really love their work. I, personally, get my satisfaction from things outside of my job, no matter what that may be. My family, my kids, my friends, my free time. You know. A job is a job is a job. It pays the bills. Period. I don't know why my chosen career has been such a source of contention among my family. Did I gripe and tell my brothers what losers they would be if they didn't get a college education? NO! Do I tell my younger brother that he needs to wake up and smell the coffee and quit living the high life at home with Mom and Dad? NO. I won't divulge all our family "secrets" here, but I just had to get this off my chest.

For everyone reading this... I may be overweight, underpaid, broke most of the time and have a three year old bathroom renovation in progress, but I am overall VERY HAPPY. 97% of the time. I think that is pretty good odds myself.

I have a few gripes. I would like to see more of my friends. We see each other far too infrequently. But people get busy and life moves on. I woke up a few weeks ago and DAMN! I was 37! My friends we hung out with last night have a daughter that is almost the age we were when I first met them. Give or take a few years. I clearly remember when my Mom was the age I am now. CLEARLY. Scary. I don't have time to spend one more second of my life wondering what I could have done differently.

I make a choice 6 years ago to give up my career, temporarily or not, to stay home and be a mother. I have NEVER regretted it. It has not always been easy, financially speaking. But I raised my kids. I saw them get to where they are. I was here when they needed me. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Why is this something to have to be "forgiven" for??

As for the help that we have been given. Don't give it with strings attached. That's not cool. I have not asked for it so don't give it with strings. It's just not worth it.

I am not sorry I have disappointed the people closest to me in my life. Not my problem. I don't get what they have a problem with myself. I think I have done pretty well for myself considering I have ALWAYS held a job from the day I turned 16. Hell, sometimes i even had two and three jobs all while going to school. More than I can say for most people. My husband has always worked. He doesn't make a ton of money but he works. Two jobs. Our kids are well adjusted and happy. They know they are loved and can count on us, as their parents to be there. Isn't that how success should be measured? My true friends love me rich or poor. They are there when I need them and they know who they are. I am thankful for you all.

As for me, I understand why I am the way I am now. I kinda like me. As for forgiveness for my shortcomings? I don't want it or need it.