I come to realize a few things about myself...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would quit taking my 40 mg Prozac, cold turkey. I wasn't really sure what prompted the decision to do this. I had missed a dose and I think I just decided that I would give it a whirl. Well, what a mistake that turned out to be.

I felt like total crap for starters. Headaches, tired, flu like symptoms. I was moody, cranky, irritable. You name it. After being off for almost 3 weeks, I decided to restart the med's. I just couldn't take it anymore. It took about a week for me to see any real improvements in my mood and other physical symptoms.

Today, while sitting in my regular Therapy appt it hit me. I told him that I was basically just sick of feeling NOTHING. I swear I could watch someone get run down by a car and not shed a tear. I also realized that I wanted to feel as bad physically as I did mentally. Goal accomplished. Why, I wanted to feel this way, I am not sure. I will have to delve deeper into that one as time passes.

I have come to realize that I just need to be on meds. At least for a while. They are my friend. It was suggested to me, however, to back down on them a bit. So, I will finish my 40's then go down to 20. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me (somewhat) sane, but not so drugged that I am numb.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

Beginning of the End...

So, after 6 long years in the childcare business I am having to close my doors and move on. I have mixed feelings about this. Let me explain...

I have a degree in Graphic Design. For many years I worked happily in the field for a variety of companies. Then the kids came along. I stuck it out for 18 months after Harrison was born but was quite miserable after a while, missing my baby while working for a boss that I didn't get along with all the time. Things got increasingly difficult when I became pregnant with Maia when Harrison was only 9 months old. I developed pre-eclampsia and was taken out of work. I made a decision then to quit my job and raise my two children. I took three months off with Maia and then went back to work for one month until I could get all my ducks in a row.

I developed a information packet of sorts for a childcare business and started getting my name out there. I was able to find kids to keep in my home and quit my design job when Maia was 3 months old. I never looked back. It has been a crazy 6 years. Full of ups and downs, highs and lows in the business. Crazy parents and GREAT parents. I have learned a lot about myself, my kids, other kids and what I am able to tolerate.

I am pretty sure the lagging economy is to blame for my lack of phone calls, but who can say for sure. Maybe God has a bigger plan for me and that is why this is all happening. About a week ago, I learned that Jenna, who I have had since she was 12 weeks old (she is now 2) will be going to a more organized preschool. I kind of expected it. Some people do choose to put their kids in a school setting very early, though I am not a fan of it. This kind of sealed the deal for me. I have not had phone calls for childcare in quite a while and other people I know in the business are also hurting for kids to keep. With my family already struggling quite a bit, it became VERY CLEAR what would have to happen.

I have had 6 good years at home with my kids. For that I am very Grateful. Those are years that I would NEVER be able to get back and though not all the times were good and I definitely lost a TON of potential income, it was all well worth it to see my kids thru the early developmental years. They are now going into 1st and 2nd grades.

So, the job search begins. It is scary for me. I have been home for 6 years working with children. I have learned patience galore. I have become the master multi-tasker. I am a jack of all trades. I know I have skills, but when certain skill sets lay dormant for so long you have to wonder how they will come back to you. I feel like a fish out of water. Out of my comfort zone. YET, I am excited at the same time. Mostly, right now, I am very nervous about where my next paycheck will come from and just how low my family will sink into financial despair before we are able to pull ourselves back up from it.

There is a new career for me out there somewhere. I am on a quest to find it... Relying heavily on my faith...shutting no doors that are open to me. I am in contact with people from my past again and I have to wonder if there is a reason for it. I have not sought these people out. They have found me. Or we have found each other. Gods hand at work? I would like to think so. Some of these people have some very high up positions or are very well connected. I will try to put the patience I have learned over the 6 years to work for me now. It will take all I have to get thru the next few weeks. Stay tuned...

Just Call Me Scrooge...

Before you start reading, I must warn you that this post is filled with negativity. Sorry people, it is just that time of year for me. Ba Humbug!

I typically don't like this time of year. I do, but I don't. There, now if ALL makes sense! The reasons are many. First, there is so much pressure to buy gifts and give the perfect gift to everyone. I don't have the money to buy gifts for people and that makes me feel bad and icky. I like to give gifts and when everyone else in my family is exchanging gifts and giving me a gift and I have nothing to give in return I just feel bad. REAL BAD. I am 36 and I don't think it is asking to much to be able to get a little something for people who have done so much for me. BUT, our finances pretty much dictate that we cannot do this and it sucks. I also hate dragging out so much holiday crap, ie. decorations, and having to somehow try to make my house look festive when all I really want to do is leave them in the boxes and pretend it will all go away. My house is a mess and dragging out another mess to add to it just doesn't make me all that happy.

I know I should be more thankful, and maybe I should revisit my Thanksgiving post after typing this bit of negativity. Maybe I will. There is just too much pressure on everyone this time of year. People are crabby out in public. Lord, the man in Wal-mart that got trampled?? Come on. Lets get real. Was it really worth someone dying over to get to whatever it was that was inside? I can't stand that type of behavior. I may be a scrooge but I would never stoop so low as to act that way in public.

The kids want lights on the house, I want it to look a certain way, and no matter what, it never measures up to what I had in my head. Everyone else's perfectly decorated house just makes me feel inferior. Trying to find the time to get it all done if hard. I had the best intentions of making a go of it over Thanksgiving, but the time got away from us and NOTHING got done. My to do list is a mile long and just adding more (decorating for the holidays, play practice, parades, birthday parties, etc, etc.) just isn't my cup of tea right now.

People ask me what I want for Christmas. Do they really want the answer to that? OK, lets see. If you are reading and you are one of these people, take note...
1. A better financial situation
2. my BATHROOM finished
3. More time together as a family
4. to find a way to reconnect with Chris
5. MY BATHROOM
6. Some fresh coats of paint in... (pick a room, any room will do)
7. A better financial situation (oh, yeah, i meant to repeat it!)
8. Some kids to keep to help out #7
9. Appliances that actually work without making ungodly noises (stove, oven, dishwasher, TV, computer, washer)
10. For people to get off my back about crap I can't control or change.

I just can't get into the spirit of the season. It has become too much about things that don't matter and that makes me feel like a lesser person because I can't be a part of it due to financial constraints. That is a crappy feeling. No matter how many times I tell myself that "it" is not what matters, society dictates otherwise. I will never be able to measure up in this regard. Unless I win the lottery, and you gotta play to win. Heck, I don't even have a dollar right now to buy a ticket if i wanted too! NO JOKE!

So, if anyone has any humbling words for me that will help me get into the spirit please, please pass them on to me. I could really use it. And, if anyone is looking for a gift to give me, just check out the wish list above. After all, that IS truly all I want for Christmas this year.

Is That a Muscle I Feel??

Today, we had Harrison's official party at FunQuest with all his buddies from church and school. They got to roller skate and play in the jungle gym area from 1-4. They should all be good and tired tonight! We had pizza, drinks, and cake and opened some gifts, but the real fun was in the skating. Harrison had only been one other time before today, and he did great! Maia did pretty good too, but not as confident on skates as Harrison was. Chris and I also skated. Chris opted for the inline skates, but I prefer to be on 4 wheels. Especially since it has been a while since I skated myself.

Back in the day, my friend Debbie and I were the roller queens. I must say, it is kinda like riding a bike in that you never forget once you learn. The only problem is, this body is much older and heavier than it was in my early years. When I first started I was thinking there was no way I was gonna venture onto the rink where the wood is shiny and slick. I could hardly hold my balance. BUT, the carpet was grabbing the wheels and making it VERY VERY hard to skate without looking like an uncoordinated cow on wheels. Once I got to the rink, it was smooth sailing, er, skating! After about 1 trip around, I was feeling muscles I didn't know existed! Oh, the strain on your shins and especially, for me, my hips. It seemed to ease the more I skated around. I was quickly testing out my "moves" by turning around backward while moving to skate with Harrison and take his photo. Pretty impressive!!! LOL. Just glad I didn't bite it with the camera. I think I skated for several hours all together. I am totally anticipating not being able to move a single part of my body tomorrow.

The birthday boy, just getting started good.

Granddad and Chris help Maia skate.

A rare shot of Chris and I together in one photo! Thanks Tim!!

Maia and her buddy Ryan cling to the wall for dear life.

The three Toler Men, Harrison, Tim aka Uncle Tim, and Chris.

Harrison doing the limbo. He did pretty good!!

How low can you go?? Harrison was quite impressive...

Chris kept saying how long Maia's legs looked in these bell bottom jeans...

Ryan and Harrison's attempt at being serious for a photo.

This is what we got when we asked them to be silly.

On a side note... After uploading these photos, I must say I am NOT impressed at the quality of them considering I was using my brand new $250 camera. I exchanged it tonight for the same camera because I think it is defective. I hope it works better now. My friend has the same camera and hers works great! Leave it to me to get the bum camera!!

So, You're Telling Me I am Really NOT an Ostrich?

Life is hard people. Life is hard. I know, it is tough for alot of folks right now with the pissy economy and all. But it still doesn't make my pill any easier to swallow. I am having a rough day. I have this beautiful budget all laid out in Quicken. It is pretty in theory only. We are so far off our budget at this point in November that it is scary. I don't how we will catch it up, unless we win the lottery. So I have this BAAAADDDD habit I tend to do when the road gets bumpy. I play like an Ostrich and stick my head right down into the sand.

Problem is, the problem doesn't go away. It is usually only compounded by the fact that I have ignored it for so long. Its like a snowball out of control. I am overwhelmed by things and tend to just shut down when this happens. I literally become paralyzed by the things that are bugging me. Whether it be the mess in my house, the laundry piled up, the bills, life, etc. I am not quite sure how to stop this bad habit. Habits that are life long are VERY hard to break. I am quite envious of those people you see on all these TV shows that are able to make HUGE changes in life, be it weight loss, cleaner houses, better financial choices, or whatever. You fill in the blanks. There are tons of those shows around. I suppose if I had that kind of support I too could make a major overhaul of things. Right now, my method of robbing Peter to pay Paul just really isn't working. My attempts at exercise are laughable, the weights definitely going the wrong way thanks to a huge lack of willpower, and the house looks like a tornado went through it all the time, my to do list is crazy long. I've got to find a way to overcome this "head in the sand" thing I do before things get worse. How do you keep from shutting down? Chris says you just have to "do" it. Easier said than done IMO. Right now my brain hurts. I think I will go take a nap and tune it all out for a while.

Sunday

That's a real exciting title to my blog isn't it?? I have spent the better part of my day to day in church. In a mad dash, due to oversleeping, we made it to church this morning just in the nick of time. Left there around 12:15 and headed to my mom's house while Chris headed to work. The kids and myself hung out there for several hours. I particularly enjoy using her FAST computer, rather than ding around on this one. Oh, I can't WAIT for tax refund time so I can get a new one. The cheapest thing out there would be better than the one I have now. Seriously.

After a quick stop to pick up girl scout candy that had just come in and a quick stop by the house to change into comfy clothes, me and the kids headed back to church for Play practice for the upcoming Christmas play, "Santa bowed at Christmas". I sat and chatted with a few friends while the kids were doing their thing, then we moved straight into "Fairview Nights" where I help with the children. We practiced the Kristal Bells for worship service next week. They will play "We Gather Together" for Thanksgiving. I hope the cards don't stick together or it will be a disaster. Kristal Bells are color coded and the cards show the color bell that needs to be rung as I count out the beats that they are to be rung for. Pretty cool and the kids love them. We also worked on some gifts for the nursing home visit the kids are planning for the holidays. Fun stuff.

Now, kids are in bed, Chris is home from work, I am in even comfier (is that a word??) clothing, and my favorite show in the whole world is coming on, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. Had to do my obligatory post before that started!

Aren't you glad you now know how I spent my day?? I am sure you feel enlightened.

A Day in My Life

Today, after a nice sleep-in, I managed to knock out some housework. Still nowhere near where it needs to be, but I managed to get several loads of clothes washed, and dried and even put away, rather than left to sit in a basket for several days/weeks. I also sorted some clothes that need to be sold at consignment, or just given to Goodwill. My bedroom is MUCH IMPROVED from what it was. I won't even scare you with a before and after shot. After that the family went to grab a late lunch/early dinner and then to the nursing home to see Chris's grandmother. Depressing. I managed to do a little Christmas shopping (very very very little), and then put the kids to bed. I am REALLY not into posting tonight so I will spare you the boring mundane details of my life. I am still trying to figure out what "idea" Chris would like me to post about. Maybe the idea of a windfall of cash falling into my lap??? Nighty Night for now...

Playing Games

I have been playing around with some different header ideas today. Sarah, in no way, am I trying to diminish what you created for me. I love it and have it saved in my folder of headers to use at various times. I have just been feeling particularly melancholy lately about my kids. Maybe it is reading about all the kids that have had cancer and passed away, or are still fighting the fight. Or maybe, seeing things in the new lately about kids being abused, abducted, or just whatever. So today I pulled out the 'ole photoshop and started to mess around with a bunch of photos. Putting my graphic design skills, that have long lay dormant, to use once again. Boy, it is AMAZING how quickly you forget if you don't use the skills. I use to know my way around photoshop, but now I am afraid, I will have to relearn a lot of it. Oh well. So, for all you reading my blog, you may see a new header quite frequently as I play around and come up with some new ones. Then again, the way I put off, postpone, slack, drag my feet, with things, you may not. I may just use the template I have saved and change the photos. I may do them seasonal, maybe not. I know, I know, the water lily is NOT seasonal, but I just liked the photo and the colors.

Enough for tonight. I am going to watch tonights Survivor that I recorded. More tomorrow.

Things that Make Me Happy

In celebration of my new phone, I thought I would compile a list of things that make me happy today. Hold onto your hats people, this is going to be life changing!

1. Having a phone that will dial a "5" AND gets good reception. YES! You CAN hear me now!!
2. Good music on the radio
3. A bright sun shiny day like today
4. Not having to repeat myself 100 times to get the kids/hubby to do something.
5. Watching Maia play with her baby doll. Too cute. Lets just say, the mommy neglect we tend to subject on ourselves as mothers starts very young. I have already witnessed it in Maia.
6. Naptime
7. Being told "I love you Momma" by my kids.
8. Ice cream
9. Cuddling
10. Good Friends
11. The first time you climb into bed that has just had clean sheets put on it.
12. A good book.
13. A positive balance in the checking account
14. Finding or receiving unexpected money
15. Taking photos of my kids
16. Doing something creative
17. BEING ALIVE
18. Family that cares
19. the smell of baking bread
20. Chocolate Chip Cookies, fresh made of course.

There ya go folks. A disguistingly positive post from ME! Have a good day. More on Maia's doll tomorrow.

Today was Rough

No photos to post, just a bit of griping/unloading before bed. I had a crappy day. There, I said it. C-R-A-P-P-Y. Or S-H-I-T-T-Y, would be more appropriate. Crappy just doesn't do it justice. The day started off "ok" for the most part. Nothing out of the ordinary, kids up, ready and out the door for school as my daycare kids showup. Same ole same ole. Most of the morning was ok too. Other than the fact that I have laringitis that has lingered for going on 7 days now, I was hanging in, doing ok. I am generally grumpy, due to the fact that I have not been able to talk above a whisper for 6 days, but hey, I am dealing.

The crap started around 10:30am when JP Morgan called me about my Paypal MasterCard Debit card. To authorize a charge. In the amount of $350. That I didn't make. FRAUD. Well that is just one fine and dandy piece of poo to be delivered on a silver platter to me. I was just about to transfer my paypal balance to my checking account to cover some purchases made this past weekend on my shopping trip with Maia. Well, now the money is gone and will not be recovered for about a week. That sucks for several reasons that I won't get into. Basically, my checks could turn to rubber because of this. Maybe not, but it is possible. I have a few saving graces, but I won't count chickens before they hatch. That ALWAYS gets me in trouble. The good news is, they were able to deny the charge, thus preventing it from ever hitting my checking account at or local bank. I did not have that much in Paypal to cover it. That is good. Card was cancelled, new one reissued, bank notified, etc. Oh, if only the drama ended there...

The rest of the day went OK. At 4:45 one of my mom's showed up to pick up her son, Xavier. He has been with me for a few months. She told me that he would be leaving in two weeks because the daycare her 3 year old son is at had an opening and it would be easier to have the both a one place. No arguement there, but it would have been nice to be told a long time ago he was on a wait list so I could have been prepared. She gave me a two week notice, which is more than most have done in the past. No hard feelings here, Promise. It was just the icing on my cake today. Now, in less than two weeks time, I have lost TWO kids. That is HALF OF MY INCOME PEOPLE!! That SUCKS, no matter which way you slice it! This seems to be a trend with me come October. Never fails. Right in time for the holiday's. Thank God for the In-Laws who are more than willing to help out in the Santa Department. Else, Santa would probably be skipping by our house this year.

So, now i am on a quest to find not one, but TWO replacements to make up the lost income. My little guy, Zander, is leaving to stay with his grandma for free. Can't blame mom for that one at all. I have had him since he was 6 weeks old, so he is like my child. It will be hard to see him go.

Oh well, That's how the cookie crumbles, I suppose. I am going to bed now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

What My Day Looks Like

I am going to risk frightening some of you, but I thought I would let you have a glimpse into my day at my private home daycare. Today was a bit different, I must say. My friend, whom I met when I started keeping her first daughter, Sydney, 5 years ago, asked me to keep her youngest, Addison, who is 2. She is a fiery little one. Momma's girl big time. Also today, I had Phoebe, who is also 2. I keep her on a regular basis, Tuesdays and Thursdays. This week I have had her everyday. She is very reserved and a bit shy at times. Very clingy but sweet none-the-less. I also keep 5 days a week: Jack age 16 mths, Zander age 1 (have had him since 6 wks old), Jenna age 1 (have had her since 8 wks old), and Xavier age 1. He is my newest and a lover boy! He loves to cuddle. Zander and Jenna are like my children. I have practically raised them as they are in my care from about 8am to 5pm daily. Jack is the child of a friend of ours. He is a bruiser. Sweet and pretty to look at, but big for his age. He likes to hug all the others when they are crying and is very affectionate. Zander is the resident trouble maker. Typical boy age 1 stuff, gets into everything. Jenna is the drama queen. She can definitely hold her own with all the boys. She will let out a scream if she is being treated unfairly or just wants your attention.

Here's the line-up...

Jack, age 16 months. Resident comforter

Zander, age 1. Resident Goof Ball/Trouble Maker

Addison, age 2. Just visiting, but a big time Momma's girl

Xavier, age 1. Resident Cuddle Bug/Snuggler

Jenna, age 1 (doing what she does best, eating paper). Resident Drama Queen.

Phoebe, age 2. Resident Sensitive Child

Today, as I was preparing lunch for them all, I just looked around my kitchen filled with little people and laughed. It was standing room only. Addison and Phoebe were seated at the little tykes table in the center of the room, Jack and Jenna were in booster seats at the table, and Xavier and Zander were in highchairs. Anyone else may have turned around and run out of the house as fast as they could, but I have a system, and I follow it to a T making the day run smooth. The kiddos know my system too. Lunch is at 10:45-11'ish and if I am running late, they start to scream. They know the deal. 10:45 they are OK, 11am?? I better get a move on or my ears pay the price. OK, I have a photo of the lunch event, but don't look at the junk in my kitchen. Remember I stay home, but I care for 5 kids and this day, 6. Let me tell you, after lunch in my kitchen would be a dogs dream come true. I need to photo the floor after the kids have dumped, scraped, swiped, thrown, etc food all over it. It's pretty scary. (What you see in these photos must stay confined to these blogs, lest someone hear that I am messy around the house!!)

Ahhh, four in the floor. Five if you count the half cat you see. That's Louie. He LOVES lunchtime.

Two more at the table. Yep, that is a pile of junk on my kitchen table. It lives there. That's water in the bottle. Don't call social servies on me.

After lunch, we headed back into my living/family room where all the daily action takes place. Yep, I have a big ole' gate that stretches across the huge doorway into my living room. I have to fence them or I would be chasing babies all over the place. As you can see, they love to pull out every toy I have made available to them. They love the play peek-a-boo in the curtains that hang over our french doors. Hours of fun here. They also like to watch certain shows on TV. The fav. this week is Yo Gabba Gabba, which scares me just a bit. Kinda like a show for kids on drugs or something. Hey, they like it and it keeps them thoroughly entertained. Jenna got a bit close to the TV at one point. Why do kids like to be on top of the TV?? Mine did the same thing when they were little. For all of you out there that think I am doing harm to these kids, the TV does not stay on all day for them. Now that mine are in school, I actually get to watch some adult TV, like news, talk shows, game shows. You know, good ole daytime TV.

Addison and Phoebe livening up my day a bit playing peek-a-boo. That is chipped paint, but it is not lead based. Ahhh, gotta love older (circa 1920s) homes.

Jenna, trying to but Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba in his place, no doubt. That's my girl! (NO! I didn't let her do this a minute longer than it took me to take this photo!)

Xavier and Jenna had a wrestling match over the pink purse at one point. They are bad about snatching toys away from each other. Trying to teach a one year old the finer points of sharing is quite a job. Jack had fun riding the pink rocking horse, and Zander played a bit with some trucks.

Xavier trying to take the pink princess purse from Jenna. Somehow, Xavier, I don't think your Dad would be too proud of you...

Jack riding the pink rocking horse.

Zander playing, never taking his eye off Yo Gabba Gabba.

Nap time comes at noon in the Toler household. Thank goodness for nap time!! It is my saving grace, my time to recharge for the afternoon session of child rearing. Plus my soaps are on! I leave you with a few more photos from my day. Enjoy!

You know how hard I had to work to get them all in one shot??? You can see Zander trying to mess it up for me. See? I told you he was a troublemaker. (But I love him to pieces!)

Off into the Big Wide World

Tomorrow Maia, my baby girl, starts kindergarten. It is with mixed emotions that I send her off into the big wide world. She is saying she doesn't want to go, but says it with half a smile. She already knows half of her kindergarten class in one way or another and her best buddy, Ryan, from Preschool is in her class. That will help with the transition. He looks out for her. It is too cute. Regardless of what she is feeling, I am not sure what I am feeling at this moment. Sad a little. A bittersweet moment to say the least, awaits me in the early hours of Monday Aug. 25. I will have to hold it together for her sake. If she see's me falter, I am doomed. I will have to be strong and save the waterworks for after she boards the bus with her big brother. He will be in 1st grade! I just can't believe that the baby girl I brought into this house is now going off to school. She was just a newborn when we moved here. Time flys, and no matter how we try, you just can't hold onto it. All you new moms out there, savor every moment of your little ones life. They grow up to fast and before you know it, you too will be sending them off into the world. I'll post an update after all is said and done. Wish me luck!

Feeling the Power

Boy, it has been a long hard few weeks for our church. I have had times when I was angry, hurt, sad, depressed, let down, you name it i have felt it. Yesterday, our Pastor preached his last sermon for FVCC. Afterward we had a suprise luncheon for him and his dear family. It was a good time of friends, food, fellowship and music provided by our awesome praise band, 24/7. They did a few tearjerkers, Michael W. Smith "Pray for Me" and "Friends" which just seemed to fit the situation. We all said our goodbyes. It was hard.

Our Senior Pastor, Don Wilson and his wife, Carol

Don was the driving force behing the forming of the 24/7 Praise Band. Our church had never had anything like this until him. He is a MEAN drum player!! A drum solo was requested. This is him playing his heart out. Just call him "Animal"!!

Today, I was hit with an idea of a new ministry for our church. I didn't know where it came from. It was out of left field for me, but I feel it is something our community needs and something I feel driven to do. We will see. I will elaborate more on this as it unfolds. This evening, I attended my second ever Church board meeting. The board accepted the resignation of our beloved pastor. I was so moved by the presentation that our youth minister gave that I could have cried. He is what we need right now to get us thru this difficult time. When the time is right, we will appoint an interim minister. I am trying to find good in this difficult goodbye.

The 24/7 Praise Band, named by Christy Wilson because "we should praise the Lord 24/7"

Christy Wilson with the future of Fairview Christian Church,
Harrison, Maia, Madeline, and Sara.

I have been trying to figure out why, all of a sudden, this has become so important to me. I have come up with only one thing. This man, our pastor, came into my life to bring me closer to GOD. Like no one before him, he has done things for me spiritually that I could never have imagined. When they talk about being called by God, I can say that I understand that now. I am feeling called by God to take a more active role in our church and to step out of my comfort zone. It is a strange and scary feeling. I think I had to have him leave us to discover this. I don't know if that makes sense or not. This is new territory for me. I am feeling very passionate about this the past 24 hours. I don't know that I would be here without them coming into my life. I don't know where this will lead me but for now, I will roll with it.

I will miss them terribly, but I know that we will meet again one day in Gods Kingdom. Until then, I bid them farewell for now. And I thank God every day that this family was brought into my life.

FVCC youth minister with Sara, Madeline (his daughter) and my beauty, Maia

We love you Wilson Family and we will MISS YOU terribly!!

I *Heart* Tori & Dean

There, I have confessed. I am ADDICTED to the show, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. I can't seem to get enough of those two. I even have to go online to Oxygen to see more after the show. Am I a stalker? Maybe. I don't know who out there has watched it...the seem to have a pretty big fan base. The show is super funny. Who would have know that Donna from 90210 was such a comedian? I never watched NoTORIous when it was on, but I wish I had. The show is wrapping up for the season and I will definitly miss tuning in on Tuesday nights at 10pm to catch up on their facinating life. If you haven't seen it, tune in sometime. They will show reruns. Great show!!

36 Random Things About Me

My fellow blogger and Karen did this on her blog and then challenged readers to do the same. This will probably take me half the day, but here it goes.

1. I have two brothers, one is four years older than me, and one is 14 years younger than me. Don't know what was going on there in the minds of my parents. They are both jealous of me. LOL.

2. I am a cat person. They are so independent and don't mess around. Dogs are cute and one day we may have one, but cats rule. We have three cats right now. We treat them like our kids.

3. I was on a summer league swim team for about 15 years. I was pretty good if I say so myself. Breaststroke and Backstroke were my thing. Almost had a city record in breaststroke. Almost.

4. I was a cheerleader in 9th and 10th grade. JV basketball. I did it cause it was the "in" thing to do, not because I was passionate about it like others were.

5. I was in Marching Band. Yep, a band nerd. Except our band was rockin and won tons and tons of awards in the day. I was in the drum line the first year playing xylophone, and in the colorguard the my junior and senior year. I WAS passionate about this.

6. I went to three colleges. Radford University where I started as a Psych major (who didn't), then to our local community college, then on to Old Dominion University where I graduated Cum Laude with a degree in Fine Arts with an emphasis in graphic design.

7. I drink too much Coke too. I have a thing for fountain drinks. It is my morning coffee since i don't drink coffee. I have to have it to function. Have too. Ask anyone who has talked to me in the am. They know. I am trying to quit, but it is an addiction worse than smoking. (see karen, you are not alone here!)

8. I hate to exercise. HATE IT. If I liked it I could probably lose a ton of weight. Along with stopping the coke addiction. Maybe i should say "soft drink". Coke addiction doesn't sound so great.

9. I am not a sports fan. I have never watched the super bowl, and don't intend to start at age 36. Don't really even care about the commercials.

10. I am a camera whore. I love taking photos and it is nothing for me to take several hundred on one simple short vacation. I took 350 on our beach trip that didn't last a week.

11. I have glaucoma, at age 36. Scary. I have never ever had eye issues until I got pink eye this past winter that wouldn't go away. When the eye Dr. was trying to cure this issue, he discovered that I had glaucoma. I hadn't been to the eye dr. in 7 years until this happened. Good thing for pink eye I suppose.

12. I had natural, unmedicated, childbirth two times and would do it again in a heartbeat. Yeah, it hurt like hell, but it was so worth it to feel in control and aware. I have never felt closer to God than at the moment my kids were born and I held them for the first time. Truly a miracle.

Harrison Rhys Toler • November 27, 2001 • 9lbs 2 oz 21 inches • length of labor 19 hours

Maia Helene Toler • May 16, 2003 • 7lbs 6oz, 20 inches • length of labor 2 hours

13. Speaking of kids... I long for a third, but the clock is ticking and Chris ain't budging. There is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by this "child". I have learned to live with it.

14. I suck at housekeeping. I long for a tidy, neat, organized and beautifully decorated house, but it is not in me to have this. My decorations consist of tons and tons of toys and clutter. It stresses me out and immobilizes me to do nothing about it. I am jealous of my neighbors house, and I have never seen inside. Only photos on her blog.

15. I Loathe home improvements, which is unfortunate since we live in a house built in the 1920s and it needs TONS and TONS of improvements. We have a bathroom renovation that has been going on for about two years now. TWO YEARS! I have not had a shower in my house for two years!! Our house needs siding, landscaping, heat/cooling updating which was quoted at a grand total of $23,000. It needs a new kitchen floor, cabinets would be nice, appliances, paint, Sheetrock repairs where the electrician made HUGE holes to update the ancient wiring. I do LOVE my house though. Really. I do. Here is a photo.

Home Sweet Home. We moved in in August 2003 three months after Maia was born

16. I despise the welfare system. For most people who receive benefits, all it does is enable laziness. I don't think it rewards those who are truly trying to better themselves. In some cases, sure. But in most of the ones I have seen, not so much.

17. I am very outspoken about certain issues. My mouth got me in trouble more than once in previous jobs. I am not a doormat and will not let people take advantage of or walk on me.

18. I believe in miracles. I have seen to many to not.

19. I hate broccoli. I have tried to love it but just can't seem too, even thought it is one of the best veggies out there for you.

20. I once sold Rainbow Vacuum cleaners with Chris, right after we were married. We earned ours for free and made several thousand dollars as well. Not a bad gig for a while. Got old though, trying to pimp $2000 vacuums on people. All of our family members were nice enough to purchase one. They really are great vacuums though. We have had ours for 10 years and it is still running strong.

21. I have a potty mouth. Yep, its true. I have to contain myself around the kids and it gets hard. I think mine are so immune to my language that they don't notice it. They have only repeated something I have said maybe once or twice.

22. I am a Entertainment News junkie. I don't know a thing about our world or everyday news, but I can tell you who is pregnant in hollywood, who is splitting, the latest on Britney, etc. I love Us Weekly, Star, Life and Style, OK, etc. It's ridiculous. I am especially addicted to the show "Tori and Dean - Home Sweet Hollywood" that comes on Oxygen on Tuesday nights. ADDICTED. SAD.

23. My hair is longer right now than it has been in almost 20 years. The last time I had long hair was when I was 19. I feel more girlie with long hair. It's hot as hell, but I guess that is the price you pay. My son and daughter LOVE it. I guess that makes it all worth it.

24. I am not big into jewelry. I don't even wear a wedding ring most of the time. Mainly because my wedding set is too small since having children and I have been too cheap to get it resized. I do wear a sterling silver band when I go out.

25. I secretly want a nose ring. Just a small one. The only problem is I have bad bad allergies and sinus issues, so I am not sure that a nose ring would mix well with all that.

26. I HATE HATE HATE the smell of cigarettes. I won't go near a bar or any place that there may be smoke. I especially hate getting behind a car where someone is smoking and it gets into my car. Yucky cancer sticks!

27. I wish I had stuck with ballet lessons as a kid. I would love to be able to be graceful and dance like a prima ballerina. I dance like a white girl.

28. I hate politics. Couldn't tell you much about the people running for president other than what my hubby tells me or what I hear on the news.

29. I lust after Matthew McConaughey. What female doesn't.

30. I am a sucker for a good back rub or scratch.

31. I love piano music. I could listen to it all day. I also like a good guitar tune.

32. I have suffered from panic disorder and related depression since I was 19. It is something I have learned to live with and control with and without the aid of med's. I am not ashamed to talk about it at all.

33. I love Target. LOVE LOVE LOVE Target. I have to ban myself from there from time to time or I would be in the poor house.

34. I am a huge fan of chick lit. No sappy romance novels for me. Give me laugh out loud humor anyday over the mushy stuff.

35. This is way harder than I thought it would be. YES, it has taken me the whole day to come up with a measly 36 things about me. I have stopped and started over the course of the day.

36. I would love to be a midwife in my next life. If I weren't so dang tired all the time and had plenty of money, I would go back to school and work toward this. I think it would be the most challenging and rewarding career to bring new life into the world.

There, did it. Kudos to you women who can pump out the 100 random things I have seen on some blogs. Hope you learned something you didn't know about me.

Maia Models for Mom

Saturday, right after Maia's professional photo shoot with local photographer, Jack Henley, I decided to head down to the Old City Cemetery to do my own photo shoot. We have been going to Jack since Harrison was born. He is almost 7. I have a Once Upon a Lifetime album for both kids and I have been adding to them ever since. However, as my interest in photography has grown and my funds have not, I am trying to do more of my own photography. Thus the reason for the trip. I am in no way kicking good ole Jack to the curb (he is great with the kids and great with a camera, plus I want to build the albums until they are seniors in high school), but he is quite expensive so I am not able to buy all the photos that I wish I could. Maia had to be bribe. Horrible of me as a parent, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I have bad bad memories of past trips to Jack... Lucky for me, she had her heart set on a $6 paint a piggie bank... But i digress...

Playing coy for mom

Maia loved this big pink flower we took along for the photo shoot

I love love love this photo of my beautiful daughter

Back to the Cemetery photo shoot... Maia was a trooper. It is something I have wanted to do for some time now, and just never had the right moment to take her. I want to take my son as well, but he was skateboarding with his dad, so I made Maia feel like a princess and lavished tons and tons of attention on her for several hours. Lucky for us, it wasn't too hot and the cemetery is mostly in the shade. I know, I know, sounds kinda creepy to take a child to a cemetery for a photo shoot, right? Well, it is beautiful grounds to say the least. Great architectural detail abounds, a fish pond full of fish, lilies, frogs, complete with rock walk and wrought iron benches. Not to mention the historical aspect that is associated with the cemetery. Fascinating to say the least.

the cute little frog cooperated for me too

sitting near the fish pond

the lilies in the pond were really really pretty. This reminds me of a logo I designed once upon a time. If I had it in digital format I could post it. That was a LONG LONG TIME AGO!!

looking at the fish

Sitting pretty on the wrought iron bench by the fish pond

So so serious for only five years of age

the rotunda in the confederate section of the cemetery

Posing for mom at the rotunda in the confederate burial section of the cemetery

Chapel and Columbarium, honoring religious leaders buried there since 1806

A Kids Haven memory garden is the home of a HUGE tree swing. There is a beautiful chapel ( I was hoping it was open for more photos, but it is closed unless there are walking tours), a train depot, and a rose garden/nature walk. Check out the link for more detail. It is one of the many historical sites in Lynchburg that visitors frequent. Maia enjoyed being princess for the moment, and mom got to indulge a bit and pretend that I was a real photographer.

Love the pout on this one! She really was happy, really!!

Having fun on the swing. I think she would have stayed on it for hours...

We spent about half an hour on the tree swing, and then the heat just got to be too much and we had a birthday party to attend as well, so we headed out. I did make a quick stop downtown for a few photos at an old warehouse. Photo quality started to dwindle at this point in the day.



I know, I am such a wanna-be, but I have fun doing it and Maia didn't seem to mind the attention she was getting either. Maybe one day I will get even better with a camera...Maybe...

Me, Me, Me

One evening, while browsing a few of my favorite blog sites, I ran across one that my neighbor posted. She talks about how moms get lost in their kids and that is all a lot of the "mommy blogs" as she calls them, talk about (the kids). I must admit that I am one of those people. She also makes the comment that moms once had a life and had their own interests before kids, so what happened??

Sorry Kelly, if you are reading this, but your blog got me to thinking, which is something I rarely have the luxury of doing these days. I found it to be inspiring and eye opening, so thank you. I am sure my blog is one of those that a lot of you may find boring, but the sad fact of the matter is, that yes, I use to be my own person with my own interests, but since having kids and having a job that is devoted to the care and well being of kids, there really is not much time in my life for much of anything else. Do I want it?? SURE I DO!! I welcome any outlet that anyone can provide me. It's just that I so rarely have the time to do anything but care for my kids. I have a husband who works two jobs, so he is away alot, especially on the weekend. The next problem is that since becoming a mother almost 7 years ago, I have been so wrapped up in the life of my kids that I have in essense "lost myself". I am no longer sure of what my interests are and who I am, if not the mother of two beautiful, super kids, and the wife of Chris. I am 36 and have no idea who Jennifer is! Kinda scary.

In light of this, I have set out on a quest to try to find time (that is the biggest obstacle to overcome) to rediscover who I am exactly. Other than the obvious, of course. Here are a few things that I like to do...

*Photograph my kids, and other interesting things, esp. wildlife and nature.
*Digital Scrapbooking and traditional scrapbooking
*Blogging
*Reading
*Drawing (I am usually much to much of a perfectionist to just let loose though)
*selling on ebay
*having a good girls night out (rarely happens, seems everyone has my lack of time problem)

How do some of these moms seem to "do it all"? I am inspired, in awe and extremely impressed by you women! I have seen blogs that show insides of houses that make mine look like a junk pit. These women have children!! And, they are crafty, can decorate, have some sort of job, etc. One thing I do know about myself... I am a packrat. I define the word. I hate clutter, but seem to have it in abundance around my house. I think part of it comes with the job (I am a private childcare provider). I have an endless array of toys for all ages laying in just about every nook and cranny in my house. My kitchen always always looks like someone dumped all the contents of the trash out into the floor. We have light colored linoleum, so anytime a juice cup or bottle or piece of food hits the floor, well, it leaves a dirty spot. The dishes are endless. The baby clutter is endless. Diapers, bouncy seats, exersaucers, beds, wipes, etc. Some tell me to get another job and end all the chaos, but this job has enabled me to spend the better part of my children's short lives thus far at home with them. Plus, after working in the corporate world for five years, there is something to be said about being your own boss. You don't like how I do things?? Yeah?? Then find another sitter, etc. Power is in my hands. It's not all fun and games though. I am usually so tired by the end of the day that the house gets overlooked, and exercise for me goes by the wayside. I crave some good adult conversation too, but rarely get that. I am only complaining a little bit. Really.

I guess it all goes back to losing myself. I am up to my arse in kids. It's easy to lose yourself in that I suppose. I know to someone reading this, this must sound like an incoherent bunch of ramblings, and I suppose it is. That is the way my brain functions most of the time. Finish a though? HA! It has already taken me half the day just to type this. I have had several breaks, to eat, to feed, to wipe (butts, noses), to shower, to clean, etc.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation? I know I am not alone. I envy you women who have a life and have more to write about than your kids. I really really do. I also envy you that have a clean, put together house. Lord knows I need help in that department. How about you together women help a gal out?? I could really use it. I know I don't have many readers, and most of you know me, but if anyone has any suggestions or advice, please feel free to leave me a comment.