I come to realize a few things about myself...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would quit taking my 40 mg Prozac, cold turkey. I wasn't really sure what prompted the decision to do this. I had missed a dose and I think I just decided that I would give it a whirl. Well, what a mistake that turned out to be.

I felt like total crap for starters. Headaches, tired, flu like symptoms. I was moody, cranky, irritable. You name it. After being off for almost 3 weeks, I decided to restart the med's. I just couldn't take it anymore. It took about a week for me to see any real improvements in my mood and other physical symptoms.

Today, while sitting in my regular Therapy appt it hit me. I told him that I was basically just sick of feeling NOTHING. I swear I could watch someone get run down by a car and not shed a tear. I also realized that I wanted to feel as bad physically as I did mentally. Goal accomplished. Why, I wanted to feel this way, I am not sure. I will have to delve deeper into that one as time passes.

I have come to realize that I just need to be on meds. At least for a while. They are my friend. It was suggested to me, however, to back down on them a bit. So, I will finish my 40's then go down to 20. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me (somewhat) sane, but not so drugged that I am numb.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

Baby Bird

My daughter found this baby bird today. I called the emergency clinic to see how to take care of it. It is now residing in a cage in a homemade "nest" and we are feeding it puppy food with a syringe. I hope he lives!!

10 Ways to Crazy

Oh I woke up in rare form this morning. After almost three weeks of having stopped my Prozac 40mg cold turkey, I decided it was best if I start it back up again. I have been on it again for about a week. I missed it yesterday. I dont' know if that is what set me off, or if its just starting it up again after having stopped it. You see, I am convinced my family likes living in a pigsty of a house and when I woke up this morning to the mess that has been in the making for weeks and weeks, I just lost it. No one was safe from my rage. The dog was even giving me funny looks. She had contributed to the mess by pooping not 1 time but 5 times in my floor and then as if to add insult to injury, she puked as well.

My head feels like someone is squeezing it hard. My heart is racing. I am so angry!! My husband decided this moment was the time to go to the Bedford skatepark. The kids are off to church with my Mom and I am stuck here cleaning. The two times in the past two weeks that I decided to have a life, I got grief from the kids for leaving. Mom guilt kicked in big time. Trying to get my kids to pitch in an learn responsiblilty has been a nightmare. They don't get it. I am so ready to throw crap away and make their head spin.

Wow. I am not going to re-read this because I know it probably makes no sense. My husband already said i sounded like a crazed lunatic and all he was hearing was insanity. Maybe so. God how I wish the men in the white coats would come take me away and lock me up. That would be a wonderful vacation!! No worries.

The rant is done. Don't judge me based on this. It is what it is.

Gonna Pitch my Tent at PPC.

I have spent the better part of the last year in and out of Dr's offices. Let me get specific... Psychologist/Psychiatrist offices. For me. For my son.

I have been diagnosed with Chronic Clinical Depression. I have been on and off of anti-depressants since I was 19. The most recent drug of choice (for about the past two years) is Prozac. I had been seeing the same Dr. since I was 19 and first diagnosed with Panic Disorder/Depression. I have complete and total respect for him. He got me thru the panic disorder and taught me some very valuable techniques for calming myself and working thru them. Recently, I have begun seeing another Dr. which is where I was diagnosed with the Chronic/Clinical Depression. Depression that lingers and just doesn't go away. Not necessiarly the kind that keeps you in the bed, but a general feeling of ickiness all the time. We are working thru it using the CBASP techinique. I'm doing ok.

Its my son I worry about non-stop. He has been treated for ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder since the beginning of 1st grade. He is going into 4th in the fall. I have had earlier posts about this. I have been away from my blog for a while☺. I've been a little consumed with other things. He has been on numerous medicines since we started all of this. The latest ADHD drug of choice for him is Focalin XR. Its been going pretty well. I did decide to take him off of it for the summer, just to give his body a break, and to see how he did without it.

Attention wise, well, its summer. No need for a super long attention span. The impulsivity thoughand lack of control is another thing. We have recently been seeing violent outbursts from time to time. His Dr. thinks something else is at play. A possible mood disorder perhaps. They have just put him on a low low dose (0.5 mg) of Risperadone to help level his moods out. Its horrible to have your younger child afraid of the outbursts that she is usually the victim of. I am just trying to curb the Mom guilt that is at play all the time for having my child on such a strong drug with horrible "possible" side effects. As a Mother of a almost 10 year old and an 8 year old, I have learned that Mom Guilt is always present. I'm trying to deal.

He has been on the new med. for one week now. No dramatic improvements, but it's still too soon to tell.

As for me, I think i will just pitch a tent in the Shrinks office where we both go. I am there at minimum 1 time a week, in most cases, twice a week. I told them they needed a frequent flyer card!

I hope in time, we will both get what we need out of these many visits. I am learning quite a bit about myself, though its not always pleasant and sometimes I leave there feeling worse than I started. It's all part of the process. I don't want to live under the shadow of this depression one second longer than I have too. I hope that we also find what it is that will truly help my son realize his full potential both in and out of school.

For anyone out there that may read this, feel free to contact me to chat. That is one thing I have not been able to find... a support group for Oppositional Defiant Disorder and this Mood Disorder thing.

2009 in Review

It is hard to believe that another year is coming to a close. Looking back, 2009 brought a lot of changes for me. Briefly, here is the rundown...

2009 didn't start out so well for us. My daycare business took a major blow the first half of the year. I just couldn't seem to hold onto kids in my business, then I had a psycho mom attack me about the care her kid was receiving in my home. Boy, that was DEFINITELY one I would like to forget. Unfortunately, I believe that her attack on my ability to care for children did a major number on my phone calls for new business. Oh well. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I am still waiting to see if that is true.

Chris's job started out shaky at best as well, but over the course of the year things have calmed down a little, though we did not get the bonus we usually get from his job this year.

I also blew my ONE New Years Resolution: To keep the checkbook balanced!!! Laughing my butt of right now at that one. I did well for a few months but as of today, I have not TOUCHED the checkbook since March 2009. That's why I don't make resolutions.

On a good note... we started Harrison on the Medicine for his ADHD that seemed to work. The combination of meds and therapy helped get him started in school this past fall on a good note and so far so good. He is making great strides in his education and is reading ABOVE grade level. A year ago, he was WELL BELOW grade level, so I am very proud of my boy. The difference a year can make is AMAZING and I thank GOD for that.

May brought about some major changes in my extended family. My cousin, who had suffered from MS passed away on Mothers Day. Fitting if you know the background here. At long last she was freed from her abusive husband, also freeing her three children from their TERRIBLE father. They are now in decent foster homes and we no longer have to deal with the crap their father dished out to my family (my Mother and Grandmother). May she rest in Peace FINALLY.

Summer brought about a much needed vacation to the beach and countless days spent at the pool. Due to my light daycare enrollment I was able to enjoy a few days at the pool with my two little friends and one of the Moms on occasion. By the end of summer though, it became clear to me that my daycare days were coming to an end and in August I decided to close my doors after 6 years of running my own business. It was with VERY mixed emotions that I made this move, but I am not looking back. I promptly sold ALL my daycare items and chose to move forward with whatever came my way. I'm still waiting.

I did find a job at Kroger first of all, then moved on to Target and substitute teaching during the day. I have found that Target is a wonderful place to work and I actually feel appreciated there for the first time EVER in a job. Sadly, the pay doesn't quite cover the bills I have but I am thankful to have a job of some sort when there are many who don't have anything at all right now. I am hanging on until something comes my way.

I have also managed to lose about 10 pounds these past few months. Not sure why, but I am not arguing there. I'll take it.

Finally, 2009 brought me a new bathroom FINALLY. After about 3 long years of waiting I am finally able to shower in my ALMOST finished bathroom. Its all cosmetic now... framing doors and windows, hanging towel bars, light fixtures, etc. but the SHOWER WORKS, as does the sink and toilet.

2009 has had its ups and downs but I guess I will be stronger for them in the end. I look back on all that has happened and embrace it for what it is. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right??? Here's to 2010!! I'm ready for all that it has to offer!!

The Season of Giving

My family is struggling right now. After closing my childcare business of 6 years 2 months ago, I am still looking for full time employment and not finding it ANYWHERE!! I have been lucky enough to find two part time jobs... First at Kroger, which only lasted about 2 months, and currently at Target. I love it there. It is the first place I have actually worked that I feel appreciated for my contribution and the team building is phenomenal to say the least. OK, back to my point.

After months of financial struggles that show no sign up letting up anytime soon, having to depend on parents to provide your basic necessities, and begging for mercy to Social Services (of course we make about $100 too much a month to qualify for any assistance) I am trying to realize that others have it much worse than we do. We DO have a house, and clothing and food. We are lucky enough to be blessed with good health and jobs. Tonight, my kids and I watched the Operation Christmas Child video on Samaritan's Purse website. Our church is filling shoe boxes for this and we went to Target to get some items to donate. I wanted my kids to pick them out and then wanted them to see where the things would be going to so they would realize these are kids, just like them. They were very excited about their items going to one of the many kids that are in need around the world. Harrison and Maia need to see that other kids have NOTHING and that they have it really good, despite what they will lack this Holiday Season. With tight times, there will not be much under our tree this year, and that's OK.

This is a hard lesson to learn when you are use to having things you want and need without much thought to the cost. It is one that I am learning daily. Despite what I don't have, I actually DO HAVE quite a bit. In some ways, I would like to think that I am quite rich. I have great kids, a great husband, a great family and friends and I am healthy and able to work. I have a house, food, water, heat and clothing. I hope that I am able to share this in the coming months with my kids and really teach them the meaning of the Season.

Beginning of the End...

So, after 6 long years in the childcare business I am having to close my doors and move on. I have mixed feelings about this. Let me explain...

I have a degree in Graphic Design. For many years I worked happily in the field for a variety of companies. Then the kids came along. I stuck it out for 18 months after Harrison was born but was quite miserable after a while, missing my baby while working for a boss that I didn't get along with all the time. Things got increasingly difficult when I became pregnant with Maia when Harrison was only 9 months old. I developed pre-eclampsia and was taken out of work. I made a decision then to quit my job and raise my two children. I took three months off with Maia and then went back to work for one month until I could get all my ducks in a row.

I developed a information packet of sorts for a childcare business and started getting my name out there. I was able to find kids to keep in my home and quit my design job when Maia was 3 months old. I never looked back. It has been a crazy 6 years. Full of ups and downs, highs and lows in the business. Crazy parents and GREAT parents. I have learned a lot about myself, my kids, other kids and what I am able to tolerate.

I am pretty sure the lagging economy is to blame for my lack of phone calls, but who can say for sure. Maybe God has a bigger plan for me and that is why this is all happening. About a week ago, I learned that Jenna, who I have had since she was 12 weeks old (she is now 2) will be going to a more organized preschool. I kind of expected it. Some people do choose to put their kids in a school setting very early, though I am not a fan of it. This kind of sealed the deal for me. I have not had phone calls for childcare in quite a while and other people I know in the business are also hurting for kids to keep. With my family already struggling quite a bit, it became VERY CLEAR what would have to happen.

I have had 6 good years at home with my kids. For that I am very Grateful. Those are years that I would NEVER be able to get back and though not all the times were good and I definitely lost a TON of potential income, it was all well worth it to see my kids thru the early developmental years. They are now going into 1st and 2nd grades.

So, the job search begins. It is scary for me. I have been home for 6 years working with children. I have learned patience galore. I have become the master multi-tasker. I am a jack of all trades. I know I have skills, but when certain skill sets lay dormant for so long you have to wonder how they will come back to you. I feel like a fish out of water. Out of my comfort zone. YET, I am excited at the same time. Mostly, right now, I am very nervous about where my next paycheck will come from and just how low my family will sink into financial despair before we are able to pull ourselves back up from it.

There is a new career for me out there somewhere. I am on a quest to find it... Relying heavily on my faith...shutting no doors that are open to me. I am in contact with people from my past again and I have to wonder if there is a reason for it. I have not sought these people out. They have found me. Or we have found each other. Gods hand at work? I would like to think so. Some of these people have some very high up positions or are very well connected. I will try to put the patience I have learned over the 6 years to work for me now. It will take all I have to get thru the next few weeks. Stay tuned...