Thursday, July 21, 2011

Depression Sucks.

There, said it. After years of not really having any major symptoms of Depression, though being treated for it, it seems to have taken hold of me again and I am not happy about it at all.

It hits out of the blue. Or so it seems. I was sitting at work today and had the sneaking feeling that a panic attack was about to hit me. I managed to fight that off with some results but it left me feeling just icky. Can't put my finger on it. I just feel bad. No real reason. Harrison is doing great. Financially, we are better off than we have been in a long time. I just can't shake it.

Going to bed hoping tomorrow will be better. It is at least Friday, and payday.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I come to realize a few things about myself...

A few weeks ago I decided that I would quit taking my 40 mg Prozac, cold turkey. I wasn't really sure what prompted the decision to do this. I had missed a dose and I think I just decided that I would give it a whirl. Well, what a mistake that turned out to be.

I felt like total crap for starters. Headaches, tired, flu like symptoms. I was moody, cranky, irritable. You name it. After being off for almost 3 weeks, I decided to restart the med's. I just couldn't take it anymore. It took about a week for me to see any real improvements in my mood and other physical symptoms.

Today, while sitting in my regular Therapy appt it hit me. I told him that I was basically just sick of feeling NOTHING. I swear I could watch someone get run down by a car and not shed a tear. I also realized that I wanted to feel as bad physically as I did mentally. Goal accomplished. Why, I wanted to feel this way, I am not sure. I will have to delve deeper into that one as time passes.

I have come to realize that I just need to be on meds. At least for a while. They are my friend. It was suggested to me, however, to back down on them a bit. So, I will finish my 40's then go down to 20. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me (somewhat) sane, but not so drugged that I am numb.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Baby Bird

My daughter found this baby bird today. I called the emergency clinic to see how to take care of it. It is now residing in a cage in a homemade "nest" and we are feeding it puppy food with a syringe. I hope he lives!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

10 Ways to Crazy

Oh I woke up in rare form this morning. After almost three weeks of having stopped my Prozac 40mg cold turkey, I decided it was best if I start it back up again. I have been on it again for about a week. I missed it yesterday. I dont' know if that is what set me off, or if its just starting it up again after having stopped it. You see, I am convinced my family likes living in a pigsty of a house and when I woke up this morning to the mess that has been in the making for weeks and weeks, I just lost it. No one was safe from my rage. The dog was even giving me funny looks. She had contributed to the mess by pooping not 1 time but 5 times in my floor and then as if to add insult to injury, she puked as well.

My head feels like someone is squeezing it hard. My heart is racing. I am so angry!! My husband decided this moment was the time to go to the Bedford skatepark. The kids are off to church with my Mom and I am stuck here cleaning. The two times in the past two weeks that I decided to have a life, I got grief from the kids for leaving. Mom guilt kicked in big time. Trying to get my kids to pitch in an learn responsiblilty has been a nightmare. They don't get it. I am so ready to throw crap away and make their head spin.

Wow. I am not going to re-read this because I know it probably makes no sense. My husband already said i sounded like a crazed lunatic and all he was hearing was insanity. Maybe so. God how I wish the men in the white coats would come take me away and lock me up. That would be a wonderful vacation!! No worries.

The rant is done. Don't judge me based on this. It is what it is.